"Let's Start A War Shall We" a poem by me inspired by Green Day's "21 Guns"

This piece is to be read along with the instrumental version of Green Day's "21 Guns" following is a link to a fantastic youtube version

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6wpX7prMn0&feature=BFa&list=WL754836B115DD0EC8&index=1

Hollow eyes stare back

at me.  I see the blue ocean

Sky.  Rain from invisible clouds, saltwater ocean

Tears.  Thundering shakes and crashes around me

Is the sky falling? 

Is my heart too full to hear the screaming clashing with the wracking sobs?

The world is ending

as this war is

Beginning.  Wounded hearts

form battalions of rage and rally the broken

masses to their battle cry.  The tears from my eyes

are wiped away by the hand of God…

or Bob…

or whoever the fuck is real around here.

I’m not real. I’m not here.  If I was

wouldn’t someone pay attention?

Wouldn’t someone see my fatherless generation

screaming from the pain from the pointlessness of it all?

If I stood and screamed, could you see

my blue sky eyes condemning you?

If I stood before you open and willing

To accept your inadequacies how would you disappoint me this time?

How would you try to turn my eyes

to right, turn my Sin to shame and my shame to your power.

How do you make me feel like the scum of the earth?

Would you even see the air around me thickening and charging with electricity?

Do I shock you?  Does my anger come as a surprise

party to your ignorance?

While my first strikes the air and pumps in defiance

in time with the music

in time with the sound of the thunder

in time with the heart beat of my bastard brothers and sisters

an extended family of blood lines and fear and unwanted guilt born babies.

We stand with Earth colored eyes that have seen pain and suffering handed

out like party favors and we fight

this life of deception you have given us.

These lines of bullshit you have fed us, we no longer accept

The way that it is.

The same old same old will be conquered and a new day will rise.

MY hollow eyes stare back at me from the mirror

of this empty home, my fist strikes lightening at the mirror and thunderous

the glass shatters

raining down a self-borne hurricane

demolishing the island that is

ME in a shower of silver and black

Shards that cut and tear away

The pain of being,

The pain of breathing

The pain of knowing

you. 

More ranty than rambly

So I read this blog (linked below) and just thought it was an amazing comment on our society and its opinions on people judging others based on size.  I am a bigger person.  I was smaller before I got pregnant, only about 20 pounds away from the ideal weight for my height.  To get to that weight I ate 600 calories or less per day, and exercised for at least an hour every night.  I was basically an exercise bulimic.  If I ate more than 600 calories I exercised more to lose those extra calories.  I know this is not a healthy habit, but it was the one time in my life I felt acceptable as a person.  I got to shop in the cool little boutiques and buy little people clothes, it was a golden time.  The doctors didn’t care how I was losing the weight just that it was going away.  I would currently do the same thing all over again; given the time (yes, I am aware that is bad).  As it is I have a 2 year old and can only go to the gym for about an hour 3 days a week.  I will freely admit that I ate terribly when I was pregnant (cake, it is my weakness) and gained FAR too much weight (damn you pregnancy heartburn that only cake did not aggravate).  I am losing the baby weight slowly and it is killing me.  I miss being able to just walk and jog until I see 600 calories on the treadmill monitor and know that I had negated everything I ate that day.  Like most bigger people I have a total love/hate relationship with food.  It tastes so good and I tend to eat my feelings, but the guilt that comes after eating almost anything can be overwhelming. 

I often wonder if people think about their words when they comment on another’s weight.  Even saying to someone with lifelong weight issues “Are you losing weight?  You look great!”  can be a loaded statement.  I know most people intend it to be kind or even empowering, but to someone like me it brings on the guilt that I no longer look like I used to and that is physically painful.  Harsh comments are so much more painful now too.  A pre-teen told me the other day that I wasn’t THAT fat.  Great, thanks! I know she was trying to be nice, but come on!  I guess I am just trying to say, why are comments on weight are needed at all?   If someone opens up a conversation regarding their diet or workout regimen fine, forge ahead boldly!  But what is the need to bring it up?  You never know when a comment made will send someone home to a dozen cookies followed by a bout of self-loathing inspired purging until the vomit burns their sinuses and their teeth are sore.  Just love, that’s all-Lola

http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2011/04/12/your-money-and-my-fat-ass/ 

Below are pictures of me at my skinniest subsisting on 600 cal./day Worth it?

notice there are no bites out of the donut

Oh designer jeans how I miss you :(

Sparkle Friday!

OK, so I know I am usually pretty emo and weird on here, what with the bands and the creative writing posts, and the obsession with American Idiot on Broadway.  But I am feeling particularly girly and a bit sparkly today.  I don't know if it is the new paint in my house or the "New York Apple" pink MAC lipstick I am rocking today, but I feel like teasing my hair, getting a pedicure, and throwing a few glitter bombs your way. (insert sparkle fingers here).  And now for smile time...

Michael Esper...need I say more?

MAC "New York Apple" Lipstick :X muah

Candy Rings by New York's Papabubble Confectioners...fashionably delicious!

Christian Louboutin's Marie Antoinette heel...I need to be rich enough to afford these.

PINK POODLES!  So tempted to dye my white tiny toy poodle...thoughts?

Judith Lieber clutch approximately $5000 @ Neiman Marcus, I would so buy this for my roomie if I had the money!

flowers from a.hanna design I love a simple densely packed arrangement and these are beutiful~

What is making you smile today?